vbvc

Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.
- Ed Gardner
Today if something is not worth saying, people sing it.
- Pierre Augustin Cardon de Beaumarchais
I shall lose no time in reading your book
- Benjamin Disaraeli
Once you have put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.
I have read some of your modern free verse and wonder who set it free.
- John Barrymore
The Art of Biography is different from Geography Geography is about maps But Biography is about chaps.
- Edmund Clerihew Bentley
Never lend books, for no one ever returns them; the only books I have in my library are books that other folk have lent me.
- Anatole France
It took me fifteen years to discover I had no talent for writing, but I couldn't give it up because by that time I was too famous.
- Robert Benchley
Being published by the Oxford University Press is rather like being married to a duchess; the honour is almost greater than the pleasure.
- G.M.Young
More than one newspaper has been ruined by the brilliant writer in the editor's chair.
- Lord Camrose
If you steal from one author, it's plagiarism; if you steal from many; it's research.
- Wilson Mizner
Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction.
- Adlai Stevenson
A verbal contract isn't worth the paper it's written on.
- Sam Goldwyn
I dislike censorship, Like an appendix it is useless when inert and dangerous when active.
- Maurice Edelman
Never apologize and never explain - it's a sign of weakness.
- John Wayne
When I grow up, I still want to be a director.
- Steven Spielberg
I grew up with six brothers. That's how I learned to dance - waiting for the bathroom.
- Bob Hope
My brain? It's my second favourite organ.
- Woody Allen and Marshell Brickman
The only question I ever ask any woman is: What time is your husband coming home?
- Paul Newman to Patricia Neal
Once a woman has given you her heart, you can never get rid of the rest of her body.
- John Vanbrugh
Nature has given woman so much power that the law has very wisely given them little.
- Samuel Johnson
I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute.
- Rebecca West
Give a woman an inch and she thinks she is a ruler.
- Anon
As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied.
- Oscar Wilde
It is possible that blondes also prefer gentlemen.
- Mamie Van Doren
Whatever woman do, they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.
I am the girl who lost her reputation and never missed it.
- Mae West
If you are flattering a woman, it pays to be a little more subtle. You don't have to bother with men, they believe any compliment automatically.
- Alan Ayckbourn
If a woman hasn't met the right man by the time she is twenty-four, she may be lucky.
- Deborah Kerr
A woman is no sooner ours than we are not longer hers.
- Montaigne
A woman occasionally is quite a serviceable substitute for masturbation. It takes an abundance of imagination, to be sure.
- Karl Kraus
I used to think it a pity that her mother rather than she had not thought of birth control.
- Muriel Spark
I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
- Mae West
The body of a young woman is God's greatest achievement...Of course, He could have built it to last longer but you can't have everything.
- Neil Simon
All women become like her mothers. That is their tragedy. No man does. That's his.
- Oscar Wilde
High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.
- Christopher Morley
I have only slept with the men I've been married to. How many woman can make that claim?
- Elizabeth Taylor
When women go wrong, men go right after them.
- Mae West
A woman can keep one secret - the secret of her age.
- Volaire
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she get, the more interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
- Phyllis Diller
When he is late for dinner and I know he must be either having an affair or laying dead in the street, I always hope he is dead.
- Judith Viorst
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
- P.J.O'Rourke
Woman begins by resisting a man's advances and ends by blocking his retreat.
- Oscar Wilde
The first half of our life is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.
- Clarence Darrow
Parents: people who use the rhythm method of birth control.
- May Flink
Marriage has driven more than one man to sex.
- Peter de Virus
Religion has done a great service by making it a sin.
- Anatole France
Adultery is the application of democracy to love.
- H.L.Mencken
Sex is the thing that takes up the least amount of time and causes the most amount of trouble.
- John Barrymore
The three most important events of human life are equally devoid of reason: birth, marriage and death.
A man can be happy with any woman as long as he does not love her.
- Oscar Wilde
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.
- Hubert Humphrey
Love: a temporary insanity curable by marriage.
- Ambross Bierce
Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.
Love is what happens to a man and woman who don't know each other.
- W.Somerset Maugham
When I can no longer bear to think of the victims of broken homes, I begin to think of the victims of intact ones.
- Peter de Vries
Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your children.
- Sam Levenson
When I was fourteen, my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have him around. When I got to be twenty-one, I was astonished at how much he had learned in seven years.
- Mark Twain
The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs less.
- Brendan Francis
I haven't spoken to my wife in years - I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield
Marriage is always popular because it combines the maximum of temptation with the maximum of opportunity.
- George Bernard Haw
There's nothing wrong with pregnancy. Half the people wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for woman being pregnant.
- Sarah Kennedy
The four stages of man are infancy, childhood, adolescence and obsolescence.
- Art Linkletter
Marriage is the alliance of two people one of whom never remembers birthday and other never forgets them.
- Ogden Nash
Father doesn't hear what Mother says, and Mother hears what Father does not say.
- Anon
Love is not looking in each other's eyes, but looking together in the same direction.
- Antoine de Saint
Parents should be given only a modest and sensible allowance. And they should be encouraged to save up for things. This builds character. It also helps pay for the funeral.
- P.J.ORourke
Masturbation: the primary sexual activity of mankind. In the nineteenth century, it was a disease; in the twentieth, it's a cure.
- Thomas Szasz
We must believe in luck. For how else can we explain the success of those we don't like.
- Jean Cocteau
It is a secret in the Oxford sense. You may tell it to only one person at a time.
- Lord Franks
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
- Fred Allen
When a person tells you, "I'll think it over and let you know" - you know.
- Olin Miller
The trouble with the world is that the stupid are cocksure and the intelligent full of doubt.
- Bertrand Russell
Any fool can tell the truth, but it requires a man of some sense to know how to lie well.
- Samuel Butler
A lie can be halfway round the world before the truth has got its boots on.
- James Callaghan
The physician can bury his mistakes, but the architect can only advise his client to plant vines.
- Frank LIoyd Wright
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.
- Oscar Wilde
Unseen, in the background, Fate was quite slipping the lead into the boxing glove.
- P.G.Wodehouse
You will always find some Eskimo ready to instruct the Congolese on how to cope with heatwaves.
- Stanislaw J.Lec
It is better to keep your mouth shut and to appear stupid than to open it and remove all doubt.
- Mark Twain
A celebrity is a person who works hard all his life to become well known, then wears dark glasses to avoid being recognized.
- Fred Allen
When you are in trouble, people who call to sympathize are really looking for the particulars.
- Edgar Watson Howe
Your friend is the man who knows all about you, and still likes you.
- Elbert Hubbard
The trouble with being in the rat-race is that even if you win, you are still a rat.
- Lily Tomlin
A camel is a horse designed by a committee
- Alec Issigonis
You must come again when you have less time.
- Walter Sickert
Never take a reference from a clergyman. They always want to give someone a second chance.
- Lady Selborne
Anybody seen in a bus over the age of thirty has been a failure in life.
- Loelia
Laugh and the world laughs with you. Snore and you sleep alone.
- Anthony Burgess
The world is divided into people who do things and people who get the credit. Try, if you can, to belong to the first class. There's far less competition.
- Dwight Morrow
What is the difference between a taxidermist and a tax collector? The taxidermist takes only your skin.
- Mark Twain
Work expands so as to fill the time available for its completion.
- C.Northcote Parkinson
It's true, hard work never killed anybody, but I figure why take the chance?
- Ronald Reagan
Whoever said money can't buy happiness didn't know where to shop.
- Gittel Hudnick
Where there's a will, there are relations.
- Michael Gill
The only thing I regret about my life is the length of it. If I had to live my life again, I'd make all the same mistakes - only sooner.
- Tallulah Bankhead
Life would be indefinitely happier if we could only be born at the age of eighty and gradually approach eighteen.
- Mark Twain
I refused to attend his funeral. But I wrote a very nice letter explaining that I approved of it.
- Mark Twain
On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done as easily lying down.
- Woody Allen
Hovering between wife and death.
- James Montgomery
Life is something to do when you can't get to sleep.
- Fran Lebowitz
Retirement means twice as much husband and half as much money.
- Anon
Early to rise and early to bed
Makes a man healthy, wealthy and dead
- James Thurber
Smoking is one of the leading causes of statistics.
- Fletcher Knebel
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.
- Bob Hope
Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done for you.
- Winston Churchill
The meek shell inherit the earth, but not the mineral rights.
- John Paul Gretty
Whenever I feel the need for exercise I go and lie down for half an hour until the feeling passes.
- Will Rogers
He has no more patients because his patients are no more.
- Lord Byron
A diplomat is a man who thinks twice before he says nothing.
- Fredrick Sawyer
Politics - the art of getting votes from the poor and campaign funds from the rich by promising to protect each from the other.
- Oscar Ameringer
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.
- George Burns
Better to have him inside the tent pissing out, than outside pissing in.
- Lyndon B. Johnson
A Government that robs Peter to say Paul can, as a rule, calculate on the support of Paul.
- George Bernard Shaw
Politicians are the same all over. They promise to build a bridge even when there's no river.
- Nikita Khrushchew
In an autocracy. one person has his way; in an aristocracy a few people have their way; in a democracy no one has his way.
- Celia Green
Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
- Will Rogers
Man is an animal that makes bargains; no other animal does this - no dog exchange bones with another.
- Adam Smith
Hubert Humphrey talks so fast that listening to him is like trying to read "Playboy" magazine with your wife turning over the pages.
- Barry Goldwater
The only thing experience teaches us is that experience teaches us nothing.
- Andre Maurois
The advantage of a bad memory is that one enjoys several times the same good things for the first time.
- Friedrich Nietzchechs
Man is the only animal that blushes - or ought to.
- Mark Twain
We need not worry so much about what man descends from - it's what he descends to that shames the human race.
If only we'd stop trying to be happy we could have pretty good time.
- Edith Wharton
Revenge is often like biting a dog because the dog bit you.
- Austin O'Malley
Man prefers to believe what he prefers to be true.
- Francis Bacon
We promise according to our hopes and perform according to our fears.
- Frangois de La Rochefoucauld
Philosophy is common sense in a dress suit.
- Oliver Braston
Gossip: hearing something you like about someone you don't.
- Earl Winson
Egotist: a person more interested in himself than in me.
- Ambrose Bierce
Editor: one who sorts that wheat from the chaff and prints the chaff.
- Adlai Stevenson
Diplomacy: the art of letting somebody else have your way.
- David Frost
Philosophy: unintelligent answers to insoluble problem.
- Henry Adams
Cynic: a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
- H.L.Mencken
Secret: what we tell everybody to tell nobody.
- Ambrose Bierce
If it weren't for the optimist, the pessimist would never know how happy he isn't.
- Anon
A gentleman is one who never swears at his wife while ladies are present.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
Love may be blind, but jealousy sees too much.
The wicked do well in this world, and saints do well in the next.
I believe we should all pay our tax bill with a smile. I tried - but they wanted cash.
The difference between genius and stupidity is that genius has its limits.
Of course a platonic relationship is possible, but only between husband and wife.
Faith can move mountains, but not furniture.
When wine goes in, secrets come out.
Success is just a matter of luck. Ask any failure.
An after-dinner speech should be just like a lady's dress: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to be interesting.
A psychologist once said that we know little about the conscience except that it is soluble in school.
Actually, it only takes one drink to get me loaded. Trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or fourteenth.
- George Burns
In Dr.Johnson's famous dictionary, patriotism is defined as the last resort of a scoundrel. With all due respect to an enlightened but inferior lexicographer, I beg to submit that it is the first.
- Ambrose Bierce
Some people pay a compliement, as if they expected a receipt.
- Frank McKinney
I can resist everything except temptation.
- Oscar Wilde
Anybody who goes to see a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined.
- Sam Goldwyn
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
- Oscar Wilde
What is better than presence of mind in a railway accident? Absence of body.
I could come back to America...to die...but never, never to live.
- Henry James
I have nothing to declare except my genius.
- Oscar Wilde
Hollywood: A place where they shoot too many pictures and not enough actors.
- Walter Winchel